Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
