But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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