you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Alive.
So much puke
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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