Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
