proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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