the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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