oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
