last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
