dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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