We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
