I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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