It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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