the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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