cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
