She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
