Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
This house was built for laser tag.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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