Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
