So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
