He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
