there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
