That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
