the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
We need a shit load of segways right now
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Randomize
