Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
