I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
