i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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