I'm laying in your front yard are you home
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
