I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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