i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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