Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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