The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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