I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
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Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
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I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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