WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
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Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
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I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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