My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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