This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
