TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
