Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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