Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
