I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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