So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
