An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
