why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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