i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
