:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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