I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
