why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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