Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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