please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
