My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
