oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
