Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
