Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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