is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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