I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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