I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
