i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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