I think I died a long time ago.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
