i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
And then he peed in my hair
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