If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
