I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
You left your phone here
Wait...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
